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I'm always feeling like I've crossed worlds in a day. The kind of fatigue that sets in right when I wake up makes everyday almost unbearable. Every single day when I'm up awake all I think to myself is what am I feeling. I don't know what am I feeling most of the time, I feel like I'm in an empty zone but not exactly lost at the same time.

But somehow, I always manage to picture myself standing in an open field measuring of yards x yards. A field that has two sides separated by one fine line. The line that separates positivity & negativity, the line that separates happiness & sadness, the line that separates contentment & desperation. & all I see is a soul wandering between the two lines from time to time, constantly finding comfort in both sides yet not choosing to settle on which side. But I guess that's not what being lost is.

I wish I could just vanish whenever & wherever I want. Get away from people I know & have a chance to start all over again. Get a chance to do the things I've always wanted to do without being under the scrutiny of ugly judgers. Get a chance to be make pretty first impressions. Get a chance to explore. Get a chance to just be me. Is there such a world? Or am I just creating one based on illusions, on my expectations, on my level of perception of what I want the world to be?

I see myself always struggling to be me. I can't be me if I'm not contented with myself & then I spend a whole trashy lot of time finding what I'm contented with & most of the time I almost always come up with nothing.

I can't be me if every single time I have a conversation with someone, I can't hold one because there are simply to many conversations going on at the same time. One made up of worlds I'm saying out loud & one replying to how I really feel in my head. Yet insanely, I find myself finding comfort in the fact that I get to say what I want without people knowing how I actually feel. It feels magical for a moment, like a beautiful spectrum of light at the end of a tunnel.

At the end of the day, I really wonder if I'm going insane without myself knowing.